[Mind] the pain that wakes me up
The day you died, I wasn't there.
I should've, had I not been otherwise occupied.
Two-month part-time job salary for the operation on you,
glad you survived,though hardly recovered.
It hurt to see you lose appetite.
It hurt to see you lose sleeping.
It hurt to see you losing weight.
It hurt to see you losing life.
I'd tried all the favorite foods on the list.
At first, you ate a little.
Then it became too hard for you to take more.
Unwilling as you appeared, still I was touched knowing you did it for me.
The last thing you would do was to disappoint me.
The last thing I would do was to make you do something against your will.
Here came the day you started eating.
Thank god I didn't stop trying.
At that moment, for the first time,
I felt the true happiness of watching food being consumed,
like some kind of medicine saving lives.
I wouldn't have felt so happy, if I had known it was the final mercy and
payback you could offer.
You were quietly lying there, seeing me off while I was going out to work.
You were not showing pain on your face.
You were not acting strange.
You were not giving me a god damn sign.
The news came through the other end of the phone.
Suddenly, I lost the ability to show emotions.
The pain was so deep that it felt obscure and distant.
that I didn't know how to process it.
It hurts me to know you were suffering.
It hurts me more to know you were suffering more
every time you felt you failed to please me.
It hurts me the most to have failed to be present
the moment you closed your eyes.
This morning, the pain woke me up,
and it's still hurting.
--
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◆ From: 218.171.66.145
※ 編輯: zofloya 來自: 218.171.66.145 (09/19 09:35)
※ 編輯: zofloya 來自: 218.171.66.145 (09/19 09:39)
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