Re: [寫作班] 托福第39週 (muffinman, 1)

看板ST-English (英文科技寫作)作者fleuve (:D)時間15年前 (2009/08/04 02:52)推噓1(1推 0噓 0→)

留言1則, 1人參與討論串2/2 (看更多)

※ 引述《muffinman ()》之銘言： : This is what I wrote yesterday, so the topic is of thirty-eighth week : instead of thirty-ninth week. : 1. If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would : you change? : I will be willing to change our education system. Our education system is : not as diverse as foreign countries. There are problems in our education, ^in : more precisely, higher education. There are so many new-established : universities that almost every high school student ends up attending : universities. Everyone thinks it necessary to enter a college that study ^is studying : appears to be the most important thing for the youth. So, it’s essential : to change this prevailing view. The first sentence sounds weird as the starting sentence of the paragraph. You can, for example, provide some background information (for one sentence or two) to introduce and interest the reader with what you might be going to argue. You claim that students tend to consider entering college/university a necessary thing. However, no evidence─or not enough proof─is provided to support this claim. The last sentence would be better if it's changed to "So it's essential to change this prevailing view BECAUSE ..." Normally, in a TOEFL/GRE writing like this, it'd be better that you take sides or make apparent your argument at (the near-end of) the introduction, so that the reader will be better prepared what he or she is going to see in your essay. A minor problem is that you change the wording between "university" and "college." But they are actually two different systems─ if seriously defined. : Changing people’s money-oriented thoughts is a fundamental first step. : The preoccupation of the parents in Taiwan is the possibilities to get a : good salary. Therefore, whether their children have interests in their I'd revise the sentence as "In our society, one possible reason for not letting their children major in what they are interested in is the preoccupation of the parents with wage employment." (FYI) : study is unimportant. From their point of view, the best majors are : business administration, finance or computer science which will be the : priority for the employers. Being at a cram school is a popular activity will be the proper/best/ideal candidates for ... : for students. The phenomenon is a result from the money-oriented attitude. of "Going to cram schools is very popular among students." : Only by altering public belief in money would make possible a reasonable : education system. * The first sentence is grammatical; however, it lacks transition to connect the idea of this paragraph with the previous one. To me, there seems to be a sudden shift of claim that money-oriented thoughts should be changed. But I can't see clear connections why this kind of thought is related to our education system. You might want to suggest that since people consider learning practical skills as more important basis for their jobs after gradution, there are trends that students want a degree that'll help them get a higher salary when they graduate (and this kind of thinking is based on "money-oriented" thoughts). But such connections are better to be shown clearly in the paragraph. Lastly, you say that going to cram schools is the result of the "money-oriented" thinking. The reasons for going to cram schools, however, may vary. Students might simply want a sense of achievement. Or they just simply want to outshine other students. It'd be better if a reason is provided for this claim/result. : On the practical side, I would take a tough measure in educational system : if I were the government. First, the qualification to enter a university (of entering) : must be enhanced. The expansion of private schools seems to make university raised : as a part of compulsory education. However, it would be meaningless for : the youth to extend their learning stage just for getting a degree. It'd be better if you can provide a reason "why" it is meaningless, because some people might argue they don't think it's meaningless. (Just one sentence is enough.) : Second, the financial support of the government for private universities : which enroll student from a low score must be cut. If the private schools shut down/closed : lose their funds, it could be difficult for them to carry on. Ultimately, (would) : government mustn’t acknowledge the diploma from the new-built private ^the must not * Don't use abbreviations in formal/academic writings. : schools. In this way, the schools might lose their reputation. That is This is a radical reform/idea. How can you persuade the reader to accept this argument? : the bottom line. The bottom line of what? * You claim that to reform education, it is necessary to cut off the (government) funds from private universities. But the problems that occur in the private universities may also happen to public ones. It is also unclear why shutting down private schools can change students' money-oriented thinking. : We ought to keep it in mind that university is for one who is eager to : seek truth for truth sake. Therefore, reforming higher education will truth's How are you sure or how can you persuade the reader to think as you do that "university is for one who is eager to seek truth for truth's sake"? Also, this idea/claim/argument seems somewhat a new one unmentioned in your previous paragraphs. In a TOEFL/GRE essay like this, it's better to restate, rephrase, or reinforce the claims you have made (or tried to make) in the previous paragraphs. Adding new ideas in the conclusion might generate confusion. : be the thing that I want to change in my country the most. (the most in my country.) * Overall speaking, the grammar is OK, the essay reads smoothly, and the expressions generally sound natural. The only thing that needs to be worked on is that the points made in the essay often need much to relate to each other coherently. ^^ FYI -- 生命的意義不在追求答案，答案只是另一個答案的問題，生命在於去體會與經歷，不管生活在哪裡。 ╭╮───╪───╭╮ ＊ fleuve ＊ ╰╯───╪───╰╯ --