Re: [Ask ] help me to correct my essay plz

看板EngTalk (全英文聊天)作者safetoy (NOT GOOD ENOUGH)時間13年前 (2012/09/11 00:52)推噓0(0推 0噓 0→)

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※ 引述《Eisely (im tired of everything.)》之銘言： : im gonna post this on 104 human resource agency as my autobiography, : can someone help me to correct the mistakes? thx... : Hello, my name is Eddie. I graduated from ABC University Department of : Applied Foreign Languages. When I was a senior high school student, I majored : in Food and Beverage Management from CBA Vocational High School. I just : retired from R.O.C Army and looking for my first job which is suitable for me. Please take out the "which is suitable for me". Usually employers will expect to hire some one who fits the job. So it would be a bit odd to say find a job that suits you. Maybe it can be changed into "which I can contribute and grow with it" : During my school life, I got several experiences of part-time job. Such as : catering service, copy editor, internet marketing, I also kept a stall to : sell food at night market. These experiences not only made me realize how : hard to earn money, but also understand where is effort, where is success. : With pleasure, classmates voted for me as class leader, club leader and the : host of welcome party for freshmen. I found out it’s not that easy to manage : the whole class. When you’re a leader, you have to accept more : responsibility. By the experience of being a host, I learned how to handle : the groove and atmosphere. That’s why people said one minute on the stage : and ten years of practice off the stage. part-time working experiences, is that what you want to say ? what is a copy editor ? can you be a bit specific about it ? where is effort, where is success --> no pain no gain ? "With" the experiences of... The last sentense is not a good finish, it only highlights you want to say I did a lot behind the screen, but it didn't really say what you've learned. maybe it can be changed into how these experiences enables you to become a multi-tasker learn to be a team player / leader after a task is assigned and they enhance your interpersonal skills and the ability to handle pressure and to achieve in a timely manner. : I'm interested in taking photos, so I joined photography club in my first : year of college life. I met a lot of photo aficionados there, we shared and : taugh each other. Besides the curriculum planning made me learn English step : by step, I also participated in English symposium and English graduation : performance to improve my English speaking ability and spontaneity. : Nowadays, everyone cares about high efficiency, high quality services and : English ability. I have three years professional catering management training : and English education for more than four years. My major and experience make : me qualified for this position. If I have the honor to be the member of your : company, I will try my best to bring the most out of talented in your company. From your conclusion, I presume you are interviewing for a position in the service industry that requires good English and this position needs you to interact with people (customers / team members) on a constant basis. Maybe you can consider to soften the sentense of " my major and experience make me qualified for this position" since that is really not the conclusion you should make in the begining of this application process. It can be revised into:I believe what I've learned as a student and a part-time employee will become a solid fundation to provide better service quality to your customers and to bring out my best talent to contribute to your company. -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 123.193.54.245