Re: [寫作班] 托福第14週 smallsheep24, 3

看板ST-English (英文科技寫作)作者fleuve (:D)時間16年前 (2008/06/29 02:27)推噓2(2推 0噓 8→)

留言10則, 2人參與討論串2/3 (看更多)

※ 引述《smallsheep24 (妮妮)》之銘言： : If you were an employer, which kind of worker would you prefer to hire: an : inexperienced worker at a lower salary or an experienced worker at a higher : salary? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. : From past to present, employees are always the most precious property of the : company. To decide whether hire a novice or a veteran, it depends on lots of ^to I think what "it" here refers to is unclear. I suggest you rephrase the sentence. : factor, for example, the ambition and the working attitude of the worker. factors : Absolutely, working experience is one of factors that should never be work ^the : forgotten. I prefer to hire experienced workers, the reasons are illustrated ^ because xxxxxx ^run-on sentence : below. "as follows" seems better. * Basically, the first sentence of the paragraph is not really relevant to the topic you are discussing. If it is, you might need to rephrase the sentence or reorganize your ideas. * In an introduction of an essay, you'd better tell the reader what your choice is and cover most of your points (or arguments) quickly in a sentence or two, and then you go on to make your statements. : To begin with, novices mean that they do not have any relative experience "novices" cannot "mean." the word "relative" seems a little awkward to me. I'd prefer "they have little knowledge/expe- rience of" : about the work. The firm has to spend extra money sending them to take job : education courses. On the other hand, veterans can get on the track quickly "sending them to take job education courses" doesn't sound very idiomatic. I think it's OK to simply say "the firm has to spend extra money training them." : and we can save the educational cost. Moreover, inexperienced employees may --the pronoun "we" here is not coherent with the previous subject "the firm" : have fantasy about their job, it is because that they do not have a sketch : about their working details. So we will have a great chance to make a novice : educated, and then deciding to leave the business because the working detail decide ????? * What's your support for the argument? The sentence after "so we will..." still sounds like Chinese English. : is not expected. In the end, we suffer the lost of an employee, money and ^as : valuable time. But luckily, all these problems will not appear if we hire an : experienced worker. * What's your support for this argument? : Additionally, profit is of paramount importance to the company. Some people : may say that hiring a low-salary novice can save the money. However, we low-salaried employee : should think further. The purpose of having new employees is that we wish "we should think further" is unnessary. * You "show" the readers how to think further rather than "tell" them to think further. : them can fully utilize their potential to help the business make more to fuilfill? utilize seems awkward. : returns. Although a novice may have a chance to be a diamond in the rough, : the best and practical way for the company is to choose a diamond directly. : In other words, despite experienced workers demand higher salaries, they have demanding * Never use despite to introduce a clause. : knowledge and relative working experience about this field. By applying these work of : advantages, veterans can play suitable roles in their positions easier, and ^to xxxxx x : make the firm earn more. : In conclusion, hiring an inexperienced worker is more risky for a company : than hiring an experienced one because of the reasons given above. Therefore, : if I were the employer, I would prefer to hire an experienced worker inspite : of the higher salary. * General comments: In general, I think the essay is very smooth for me to read on. Your writing, to some extent, is above average, though with some unidiomatic expressions. However, I think since you choose to hire experienced workers rather than the novice ones, why are you explaining the reasons you "do not" hire the novice workers? This can be used as a strategy to construct an essay, but I do not think it is a very proper one. I think, in a comparison and contrast essay (it seems to me like one), you'd better focus more on "the one you choose" (the experienced worker). Even if you want to compare the two, the length you spend on the "experienced worker" should be longer. You do state that "experienced workers" are better than the novice ones, but you seldom provide evidence to convince the readers to think so. You provide too little evidence to reach a hasty conclusion. For your reference. ^^; fleuve : 睽違兩年的英文文章>"< : 有點皮皮挫, : 可能錯很多,還請大家多多給我指正 : 謝謝(≧<>≦) : ps 最後一句是拿FREAKC大的來用, 先說聲謝謝了QQ -- 然後有一天我ꄠ 靠在窗前，會發現原來我是株 ╭╮──╪──╭╮ 不＊ fleuve ＊需要陽光的植物︴1mK︴30m直到有一天我閉上眼睛 ╰╯──╪──╰╯ 看不見自己、卻可以看見你…ꄠ ♂ --