[請益]請問有人可以幫忙改作文嗎?

看板TOEFL_iBT (TOEFL_iBT托福)作者 (飛來飛去)時間16年前 (2010/01/27 13:57), 編輯推噓4(4017)
留言21則, 6人參與, 最新討論串1/2 (看更多)
最近想準備IBT考試 試著練習寫作文 希望每天都可以寫一篇 可是目前寫得很不簡潔 (亂糟糟) 看範文是看得好像很順 可是自己寫起來就會東扯西扯的 不知道有沒有人願意幫我看看 願意給些意見~ 謝謝! Do you think we should protect our environment? Environment protection has become a very popular theme these years since pollutions problems got more and more serious. Some people think that it is all right to lead the life style they are living even if it harms the environment. However, others disagree with this statement. Personally, I strongly support that we should protect our environment as much as possible because the earth had obviously warn us the changing of this planet, the resources all we left is not much, and I hope our children could still have a suitable and lovable living environment to live. Environment protection plays an important role in our daily life. Recently, global warming is serious enough to endanger the earth and it also warns that the earth has changed a lot. Though people are not the only specie live on this planet, we have become the main killer of this living place for making thousands of pollutions for it. In fact, human causes all kinds of danger for our living environment, such as air pollutions, trash pollutions and mental pollutions .These factors turn the planet into a terrible place to live, and it will no sooner lead the planet to the end in the future. Therefore, we should try our best to prevent any pollution from continuing to save our environment from now on. Luckily our ancients have so great a living place to stay, owing so much rich resources to use like full water, enormously land and other natural materials are the gift from earth, somehow people take it for granted without cherishing them. For example, people exploit gas, coal and trees endlessly without control. No sooner or later, those natural resources will keep losing and loosing. Once my friend said ”The more we take, the sooner this ends.” If we do not stop taking the natural materials away, the earth will have no natural resources left very quickly. Finally, I believe the earth is our great mother, who provides us a wonderful living place to live. The earth is also the best planet with beautiful scenes and abundant of food for living things to inhabit. No matter how hard it will be, we should do all we can do to protect this valuable place. So all the creatures in the world and even our children can have a better life and a better living place. Protecting environment is not only for us, but also for our children or our children’s children. In the end, there is no denying that we only have one place to live. That is the earth. I am sure to protect our living place is our natural duty. Well goes an old saying” You can not bite the hand that feeds you.” Once we have broken the living place, we could not change it back again. The result will be too hard, and we can never possibly undertake. Whether how hard we can try, we must spare no efforts protecting our environment for listening to the warnings to the earth, stop resources from losing ,and leaving the cleanest environment for our children and other creatures. -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 122.125.92.204

01/27 18:23, , 1F
很好奇這篇會有幾分
01/27 18:23, 1F

01/27 18:44, , 2F
我也想知道..有高人能分析嗎?
01/27 18:44, 2F

01/27 19:20, , 3F
findscore
01/27 19:20, 3F

01/27 19:36, , 4F
pollution problem
01/27 19:36, 4F

01/27 22:15, , 5F
老實講po在這上面蠻難改的..
01/27 22:15, 5F

01/27 22:16, , 6F
大概看了一下 pollution是不可數名詞 不能加s
01/27 22:16, 6F

01/27 22:17, , 7F
文章中planet改成用world來說明比較好
01/27 22:17, 7F

01/27 22:18, , 8F
否則其他人看可能以為你住的不是地球 才會用"行星"
01/27 22:18, 8F

01/27 22:19, , 9F
然後各個段落的主題句不明顯 如果有最好寫在最前面
01/27 22:19, 9F

01/27 22:21, , 10F
其他問題有某句尾的pollution .接下一句 specie"s"(消失)
01/27 22:21, 10F

01/27 22:22, , 11F
最後兩段不要寫finally又in the end的 會讓看的人搞不清
01/27 22:22, 11F

01/28 00:31, , 12F
原po辛苦, 好多字,但看完有點小混亂
01/28 00:31, 12F

01/28 00:33, , 13F
建議您可以先參考og上的文章寫法來練,托福的文字不用多
01/28 00:33, 13F

01/28 00:35, , 14F
300字就好,而且隱隱記得有要求文字要精鍊。老實說
01/28 00:35, 14F

01/28 00:37, , 15F
您的第一第二個論點,我要仔細看才會知道在講什麼,合在一
01/28 00:37, 15F

01/28 00:38, , 16F
起寫可能會比較好。這篇文章寫支持的點寫三個,說來說去就
01/28 00:38, 16F

01/28 00:39, , 17F
地球只有一個,人們製造的污染→升級為 地球升溫,會破壞
01/28 00:39, 17F

01/28 00:40, , 18F
所以要保護…,如果您還有一個月以上您要不要試試別的寫法
01/28 00:40, 18F

01/28 00:42, , 19F
一段寫地球本身有回復的能力,所以有人認為氣溫上升,或是
01/28 00:42, 19F

01/28 00:44, , 20F
污染物,都能被mother planet回復。另一段寫,現在的污染太
01/28 00:44, 20F

01/28 00:47, , 21F
嚴重了,已經無法靠自然處理,所以人們必需要加入保護
01/28 00:47, 21F
文章代碼(AID): #1BNzNEIO (TOEFL_iBT)
文章代碼(AID): #1BNzNEIO (TOEFL_iBT)