Re: [英中] 短篇小說第一節的翻譯結果

看板Translation (筆譯/翻譯)作者l10nel (小失)時間14年前 (2011/04/09 16:18)推噓1(1推 0噓 2→)

留言3則, 2人參與討論串3/3 (看更多)

※ 引述《adrolian (深藍)》之銘言： : 大家好： : 非常感謝各位前輩日前給我的許多翻譯上的建議。下面貼出來的文章是一篇背景設在 : 紐奧良的哈利同人文的開場，懇請各位前輩多多指教。 : ---- : 篇名：L'ouragan : 作者：femmequixotic/Femme : 來源：http://asylums.insanejournal.com/snape_potter/265071.html : The rain was already falling, had been falling for hours, so heavy and hard : that even an?Impervius?was useless. My white cotton shirt was plastered to : my skin, my soaked hair pushed back behind both ears, save for the few limp : locks that the wind slapped angrily against my cheek. : 雨正下著，已經持續數個小時，滂沱雨勢即便是不透水咒（Impervius）亦無濟於事。 : 我的白色棉質襯衫緊貼著皮膚，濕透的頭髮推到了耳後，在狂風憤怒地拍打我的兩頰 : 時，有幾綹平直柔軟的髮絲散落開來指出幾個我認為原文理解有疑問處。是風把髮絲打到臉上，注意that是slapped的受詞，代表先行詞locks。 : I stood over the rich, muddy reek of the Mississippi churning, sullen waves : already rolling against the embankments meant to keep them at bay. There was : a hint of chill in the thick, heavy air for the first time since spring had : faded, but I could still feel the humidity, my sweat mixing in with the rain : that ran down the back of my collar. : 我站在密西西比河攪擾而出的濃厚土腥臭氣裡，沉鬱浪濤反覆衝擊著將它們阻在灣岸 : 的堤防。自從春天逝去以來，黏稠、沉重的空氣裡頭一次夾帶了一縷寒意，但我仍舊 : 感覺周遭高溫潮濕，汗滴混合著雨水流下我的後領。我找不到「高溫」的意思哪裡來。從後領流下的只有雨水，然後才和汗水混合。that是ran down的主詞，指先行詞rain。 : "Last of the little bastards are back to their kin," Honore said, coming up : next to me, his boots squelching in the mud. "Michel Decoudreau was the : last one over St Bernard's way." Rivulets of rain poured over the headmaster's : short grey curls, down his angled black cheeks roughened by two-day's stubble. : His mouth tightened as he stared out over the river; he crossed his arms over : his chest, pulling his wet robe tight across his shoulders, the frayed grey : hem catching on the laces of his worn boots. He glanced over at me, looked : me up and down, then smiled faintly. "Pardon my patois, Severus, but you look : like mule shit on a dungpile." : 「最後一批小壞蛋也回他們的親戚那了，」奧諾雷邊說邊走到我身邊，他的靴子啪滋啪 : 滋地踩在爛泥裡。「米歇爾‧狄卡崔是最後一個往聖伯納德方向去的。」傾盆大雨澆灌 : 在校長短短的灰色捲髮上，流下他稜角分明、長了兩天鬍荏於是粗糙一片的黑色臉頰。 : 當他遠眺河川的時候，他的嘴唇緊抿；他將雙臂交疊在胸前，拉起溼答答的長袍緊緊裹 : 住雙肩，磨損的灰色衣襬輕觸著他那雙破靴子的鞋帶。他審視著我，從頭到腳仔細巡了 : 一遍，然後虛弱地微微一笑。「原諒我用方言來形容，西弗勒斯，但你看起來像是一堆 : 糞肥上的驢大便。」「拉起」若無主詞，則指涉前句主詞「他」。從中文看，好像是他交臂後卻又主動去拉起長袍裹住肩膀，但是，我無法想像他為何這樣做。英文的pulling...的主詞的確是he，但是實際上，是因為他交臂的動作導致肩上的長袍更緊緊挨住肩膀：「他將雙臂交疊在胸前，濕答答的長袍因此更加緊挨雙肩。」才不讓人誤會他刻意去拉長袍。中文書寫時除了以前提過的遣詞外，還要注意邏輯性，描述動作不要讓讀者或編輯停下來想，你是不是寫錯了？為什麼有這個動作... : I snorted. "I'm quite afraid you're no beauty yourself at the moment, William. : " Honore looked exhausted and drawn, a greyish pallor to his dark skin. I : wasn't surprised. The entire bloody staff of St. Louise de Marillac School : had spent the past thirty-six hours evacuating students—and in many cases, : their families, their familiars and, for a fortunate few, their homes—to higher : ground. No thanks to the imbeciles employed by the Louisiana Department of Magic : and Wizardry who were utterly incapable of finding their own arses with both : hands, in my opinion—which I had quite clearly stated to more than one of the : fools. My nostrils flared. Bureaucrats were incompetent worldwide, it seemed. : 我不屑地冷哼一聲。「非常遺憾，此刻的你毫無美麗之處可言，威廉。」奧諾雷看起來精 : 疲力竭，他黝黑的皮膚泛著一抹灰白。我並不感到驚訝。聖路易斯德馬里亞克學校的全體 : 該死的工作人員，在過去的三十六個小時裡都忙著疏散學生－－而且在很多個案裡，還包 : 括他們的家人、他們的親友，對少數幸運的人來說還有他們的家園－－前往地勢較高的地 : 方。不用感謝受雇於路易斯安那州魔法與巫術部的低能蠢人，在我看來，他們就算用上兩 : 隻手也完全沒有能力找到自己的屁股－－我已十分清楚地向一個以上的傻蛋表明了我的意 : 見。我的鼻孔氣憤地鼓了起來。看來全世界的官僚們皆屬無能之輩。 : The wind picked up, twisting around us, knocking me back a step. Rain stung my : face, salty and sharp. : 風勢轉劇了，直繞著我們打旋，撞得我倒退一步。苦澀鹽味的雨水刺痛我的臉。 : Honore frowned into the storm, tall and solid in the rough gusts. His robe : whipped around him. "Best get yourself someplace safe, and soon." He squinted up : at the roiling black clouds. "'Bout to be one hell of a storm." : 奧諾雷皺起眉頭，望進那聲勢驚人、結構凝實的陣陣狂風暴雨。他的長袍繞著身體猛烈甩 : 動著。「最好讓你自己待在某處安全的地方，而且盡快。」他瞇起眼睛觀察那滾滾翻騰著 : 的烏雲。「一場該死的暴風雨即將來襲。」 tall and solid是補充形容Honore，不是指暴雨的結構凝實。the storm和rough gusts指同一場狂風暴雨。套句現成的中文，可不可以說「矗立」或「巍峨矗立」，甚至「穩若泰山」？（逃） : "And what do you intend to do?" I asked, eyeing with unease the choppy river that : slapped over the embankment, seeping into the puddles at my feet. After six : hurricane seasons, I'd learnt there was little even magic could do against Mother : Nature in a snit, and that realisation disconcerted me. : 「那你打算怎麼辦？」我問道，憂心忡忡地注視那條波濤洶湧的河流一再拍打著堤岸，還 : 有河水漸次滲透到我腳下的泥水中。在六個颱風季節後，我已經學會沒有任何魔法可以在 : 緊急事態中抵抗大自然的力量，這種認知令我不安。緊急事態中？還是「老天一鬧起脾氣來」？ : Honore ran a hand over his jaw, scratching. "I'll stay back at the school. Make : sure she doesn't blow away— " : 奧諾雷扒過下顎，抓了一抓。「我將回學校待著。確認颱風沒有吹走－－」 : A loud, cracking boom echoed over the roar of rain. We stared at each other, the : puddles nearly covering the toes of our boots. : 一陣響亮的爆裂聲迴盪在咆哮肆虐的大雨中。我們互望彼此，泥水近乎漫過我們的靴尖。 : "The levees," Honore shouted in to the wind, grabbing my arm. : 「是堤壩，」奧諾雷在狂風中大吼，同時抓住我的胳臂。 : Fucking hell. : 去他媽的見鬼了。 : We ran. : 我們拔腿狂奔。最後兩句好生動！ :-) -- ※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 24.182.14.123